POV: The Therapy Road to self- healing and how it got fast-tracked after years of non-action-filled talking by reading the spiciest stuff of my life. Some call it escapism in literature, but it made me set boundaries and standards for myself and I am forever grateful.
Imagine finally finding the right therapist to start your self-healing journey. You’ve heard for ages that CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) is the answer to all your problems, so you give it a shot. Week after week, you sit in that room—maybe even on a red sofa (at least my therapist had one). You cry. You breathe. You realize you were more of a mess than you thought.
After two years, therapy officially ends. You call it a success (and it was). You feel better. You aren’t as lost. But everyday life still grinds you down, and real joy remains elusive. You meet your friends for fun time, sure. You work out. You journal more or less regularly. Still, time rushes by. Old behaviors pop back up, especially when something unexpected or hard comes up, usually with at least one link to your past. In my case, tht was an old relationship. Well, not the relationship, but the man involved…But let’s leave that for another story.
You figure you want more help, so you return to therapy a few years later, determined to make it to the core of the problem and solve that unrelenting puzzle and make your PEACE with this life. But it isn’t working. Again. And not because you don’t “really open up” this time. Or „don’t try hard enough“. Or „need to spill more of the really hot tea“. You do. You really do. But something still feels off.
It’s obvious, that it’s not about “not trying hard enough.” You’ve got shelves of self-help books, notebooks full of reflections, endless attempts at working through your thoughts. But the same patterns continue to haunt you. And they still get you.
The Unexpected Trigger: One Insta Reel
Then, one day, you’re doom-scrolling on Instagram because…why not? It’s a quick dopamine hit, and it keeps you “connected“ when you send out the 20th reel to your best friend, right? Right!?
That’s when I stumbled on a reel. A woman lip-syncs a voice-over you can still recite by heart:
“Someone’s gotta say it, and it’s gonna be moi [me]: My life started to significantly improve once I stopped reading self-help books and started reading s.m.u.t. I’m not talking about Colleen Hoover—I’m talking about S.M.U.U.T. If you are a lady in your 30s and you’re not reading the raunchiest, dirtiest stuff of your life, what are you doing?”
And I felt that.
Diving Headfirst into S.M.U.T.
So what happened next is, I hyperfocussed on this genre I’d never tried before. Kindle Unlimited subscription? Check. Ten new books in the queue? Double-check. Actually, it started with an online reading app—didn’t like the price, found a free version—and in four days, inhaled 334 chapters of incredibly spicy, top notch Plot. Up to this day, a 5 Star read. I even pulled an all-nighter and watched the sun rise. In winter.
Next stop was the famous Harry Potter fanfic “Manacled”—a dark, dystopian journey featuring Hermione and Draco. It came with a massive list of trigger warnings, but I’m a therapist. I got this. Right?! Oh, soooo wrong. And for the first time in ages, I felt real, unbridled joy. Well, at first I felt despair, dystopian angst, all the fear and pain and unfairness the characters were facing…Yes, I was on a reading spree, ignoring most other healthy habits, but I was finally enjoying something—deeply. And I don’t mean the physical intimacy depicted in those pages. That’s a nice add on, but not the reason to read this. At least not for me.
Picture above shows covers by the books mentioned in the text below, that gave me a heads start on my self-healing journey. NOVELs they are. A list of all my self help books can be found in another article. Just to credit the authors again: Lily Mayne – Seraph, Sara Cate – Praise (and all the others in this series!), R.J. Kane – Rise of the King, Manacled. Coveres as seen on Amazon or fan art, no rights on my end.
Didn’t take me long to collect a ton of storys, covering more phantasies and kinks and physical practices and adventures and acts of kindness and love (and violence) than even my ADHD brain would have thought of beforehand. And i loved it. Every. single. one. of. them. And if I didn’t like them after the first 50 pages, I would just stop reading. Easy. Dismissed. How can life be so simple? Learning and healing never felt so easy.
The Real Turning Point
Here’s the kicker: it wasn’t just about reading “dirty books.” Immersing myself in these stories forced me to confront my own wants and needs. Strong female characters surviving hellish ordeals made me reflect on my own limiting beliefs. If they could endure hardship and still embrace their desires, maybe I could? Maybe I should, too? That male character DREAMS about her every night but she worries about the freckles on her nose? Really? Come on, girl… Oh. Come on, me, then, too? I guess…?? Yeah, that’s how my self-healing came alive. I picked up journaling again. I wrote down those new, confusing thoughts.
Slowly, I realized that my real self—the one who craved adventure, pleasure, connection—had been suffocated by what I thought others wanted me to be. And to keep it real, many did want me to be a version of me that I loathed. Which is what made me so depressed all the time, but hey, I had to start reading smut (and discuss it with my therapist book bestie to understand this). Once I started validating that true self and taking action to honor it, everything changed.
It’s no wonder I didn’t like “me” before, when “me” was just a version me I crafted to gain approval. The moment I decided to show up as Me, as my authentic self, I got on the path to a new level of confidence and fulfillment. Don’t get me wrong, this is not another fairytale. This got harder before it felt good…
The Domino Effect: Big Changes, B.I.G.
A few months in, changes started cascading. Escapism in Literature wasn’t the only thing I actively did. Shit. got. real. Big time. And by big, I mean B.I.G.:
- I had those hard, honest conversations you’d been avoiding.
- I ended unhealthy relationships.
- I got a new job that paid me better.
- I set boundaries—and stuck to them.
- I walked with a different stride.
- I met new people and weeded out those who didn’t meet my new-found and fought for standards for meaningful connection.
Sounds arrogant? Hypocritical? Too intense? Maybe to some. I wish you all the best. But for anyone who’s craving real self-discovery, this is part of the journey. And if you get it, if any of this resonates with you—then welcome to the party.
Final Thoughts
Self-healing often starts with therapy. If you have access to that, go for it! Self-healing might involve reading all the self-help books you can find. Or talk to as many professionals or listen to their podcasts. But sometimes, the real breakthrough comes from the most unexpected places. For me, it was diving into a world of steamy, escapist fiction that led me to reconnect with who I really was—and to actually like that person.
No matter what path you take—whether it’s therapy, romance novels, a new hobby, or something else entirely—remember that your “true self” matters. Keep exploring, keep growing, and never stop searching for those sparks of joy that remind you just how good being alive can feel.
Welcome to the party, indeed. Let’s walk this path together for a while, shall we?
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